You know what I decided recently? I’m tired of living life like the good stuff is contingent upon external factors. I’m tired of letting the things that knock me down keep me down. I’m tired of being stuck. I’m tired of being bored. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of trying to manage and manipulate and manufacture every little external aspect of my life because it is ineffective and exhausting. I’m tired of not realizing until about 5 months in that I’m not well and I’m not living well. And I’m tired of being a really lame version of myself.
I read this quote:
Nothing changes until you do. -Mike Robbins
And it was this huge light-bulb moment. Yes. Of course. This is what I needed to hear. It concisely says what I’ve been struggling with. I know that I’ve got all these external stressors and obstacles that contribute to me doing not well, but I’ve started to have this terrifying suspicion that the biggest problem is not outside of me, but inside of me. And so, no matter what happens outside of me, I will always be not well unless I can figure out what it is and change it. You know – where ever you go, there you are. Great news if you’re well inside. Bad news if you’re not.
But where do I start? When you don’t know just what is wrong with you, where do you even start to try to fix it? But this quote made me realize it doesn’t matter particularly what is wrong with me. If I want things to change, I just need to start changing. Change my routines, my little daily habits. Check my motives and stop doing some of the things that not well people do and start doing some of the things that well people do.
I almost started a blog called “The Steady” a few years ago, but didn’t feel up to it and instead went with “the unsteady”. But well people can steady on and that’s what I want to do now. I want to pick up this idea that started as a little seed in my mind three years ago and I want to steady on with it. Even when I don’t feel like it. Even on my unwell days. I want to ask people to come with me. I’m absolutely writing and creating this for myself, but not just for myself and I want to be vulnerable in saying that I want people to read, comment, share, and engage with me here.
If you are a reader of “the unsteady“, I plan to leave it up for now and kind of let it be brain dump/free-write type of place. I also hope to rework some things posted on that blog and share the updated version here.